I’ve been paying attention a lot these days to the feelings that surface in me when I’m around someone or something that leads to my vibration lowering. The road I’m on of self-mastery is a bit of a struggle these days. When I look around at the humanness of everything, I know that everyone is just a mirror of myself. The blame game is no longer. I think in some ways I’m mourning it as it passes by and I can no longer use it without feeling I’m betraying myself and that which I try to blame. I’m a Truth seeker. I want the veil lifted from my eyes so that my vision is pure. What I’m really starting to see is millions of me staring back.
Today I was triggered. A feeling surfaced that I didn’t recognize besides disgust. I was uncomfortable throughout my whole body. Within a few moments I was nauseous. I know things aren’t as they seem so I knew I had to dig in below the surface of what the topic was that seemed to trigger this visceral reaction. I didn’t like what I had heard yet it had nothing to do with me, not directly anyway.
I walked a bit and took deep breaths to let all the feelings just come up and pass out of me. I didn’t want to hold them, stuff them or let them have any real power. I wanted to observe them as they were being released. I did want to escape them at one point, which I gently reminded myself that I needed to understand this not run from it.
When the emotions subsided I started asking myself all sorts of questions. Why was I feeling this? What were all the feelings? What is this representing for me? What in the past is associated with this moment? What if anything do I want to do about it?
What came up were words associated with the physical sensations. Betrayal, violation, disrepect, and at the root…separation. These emotions were being triggered by their telling me of something they did. They didn’t do anything to me. There was no betrayal or violation, no disrespect occuring, yet I felt as if there was a little knife making a good clean separation.
This was heavy stuff. My mind kept trying to tell me that those things were actually happening and that they were being done to me by them. I could see the trick. I could see the falsehood of it, but it felt so real.
So I had to look at things from two angles – one, I was being triggered from a past experience of betrayal and violation and/or two, I was having some issues around betrayal/violation of myself. In this case it was both. Once betrayed by someone or feeling as if you had, the emotion can be triggered and resurface time and time again until the awareness shifts it and let’s it go. The second part was tricky. How was a violating or betraying myself? Where was the separation? What part of me wasn’t I honoring?
The details of those answers are unimportant in the context of this writing, what is important is that I explored them. I found them. I was honest about them with myself.
This person mirrored some of my own stuff that lowers my vibrations. I didn’t need to do anything about it, I just needed to be aware of what was REALLY happening. Understanding the information behind what the emotions were expressing.
As I write this a few hours later, I’m feeling a little sad. Those are strong emotions to go through related to yourself and to also manage them related to the person who triggered them. All is well and it’s been a good experience of understanding.
May the awareness bring about some healing.