Carry Over

So what things have I carried over from my earlier life in the last century?

The major area revolves around connection. I still struggle with feeling a part of something. I often feel like I’m on the outside looking in even if I’m in the group. I often feel alone, but definitely not as extreme, that has softened a bit thank goodness. I have not felt strongly connected in real intimate ways with any partnership I’ve had. Not where I feel completely safe and at home. It has been an undercurrent to learn how to connect more for sometime now in this life. So my lessons have already begun in that area. I’m learning how to ask myself questions to dig deeper to understand why I do what I do, feel what I feel, to keep digging. That helps me to ask others questions, to find out what’s behind and underneath what they share, to get to know them. I’m learning how to listen and try not to interject how I would deal or look at the situation but see if from their eyes, their life, their story. I am learning to take risks by reaching out and starting conversations. 

Another area pertains to freedom. Living that life for 18 years on the grounds of one place and then being bedridden a year after marriage until I died meant I was inprisoned physically in a very real way. I was also emotionally in a place of having to do what authorities told me even having to listen to the doctors. This life, I long for roots somewhere yet always feel like I have one foot out the door. I want to be free in so many ways. I don’t mind understanding the rules but I want the choice whether to obey them or not. I buck authority. I want to be free of culture norms, the shoulds, the expectations. I want to be free.

The idea of being alone. Ahh, this touches on connection but it’s more about spirit and love. That even when I’m not around any other humans, I am not alone. I am loved by so many from beyond and here. I am still learning this area, seeking, exploring, understanding. I hope to come to a place where I no longer need proof and I just know it in my bones that all is love. 

Motherhood. There are many reasons why I don’t have children and over the years I’ve gone back and forth on whether I want to be mother. The biggest reason against it has always been that I never felt like I was going to be able to give my kid(s) all the attention and love they would need to grow into healthy adults. I also thought my needs to be too much and that I couldn’t give enough to them. I would tell people, I’m so good with kids because I can give them back. I can give them lots of love and then return them and go on my way. I still feel this way strongly. I can’t help but think this notion has carried over from not being able to raise my son. How I would watch him play outside and not be able to join him. I was trapped in a bed without the ability to play, interact, talk, teach, and truly listen to and with my son. This broke my heart in that life and added to the loneliness.

Those are the major themes of carry over and little things pop up all the time. My experience with Mayra in this regression has been the most powerful. I had connected with her spirit since she’s passed in dreams but never in an awake state of conscienceness. There was always a little part of me that would say well it was a dream, who knows. Now I know, with every inch of my being that I connected with her in this regression, twice, and in those dreams. She is my caretaker in loves me fully. I don’t know if she is a guide but I have a feeling I’ll be seeing her a lot more. Even if I don’t in this life I know I will when I pass. I know that I am spirit livng in form and will see her in spirit again and perhaps back even in form. And that is the case with all close loved ones. I feel blessed and grateful that I am able to connect in that way.

I have been ready and open to whatever the universe has in store for me. Anything is possible. I’m even beginning to love SciFi. Sitting quietly and asking myself questions and then just waiting for an answer is a way I tap into information from a true source. I am learning what ways my intution gives me information. Sometimes it’s a feeling, sometimes its a thought or a word, an image. It can be many things. I’m using this to help navigate my world. I always apporach it with the intent that I want only loving information. Information that will lead to the betterment of the whole. 

It’s 2011 and my son that was born in 1942 or 1943 could still be alive. That thought is not something I can really even comprehend. I have no desire to try and figure out who he is. I did not recognize him as someone I know in this life, but perhaps I haven’t met him yet.