I knew 2012 would probably have some drastic changes as we break away from the old patterns and conditioning to birth a new consciousness, but I didn’t fully grasp the affect it would have on my own life specifically. Within a matter of 2 months, I resigned from my job of 10.5 years, separated from my partner of 3 years, and am traveling without a home base. I have periods where I feel stripped raw and scared shitless, then I quickly remember that all is well and that I am ok. I’m in a period of healing which means growth and understanding. I have wounds, some of them deep from the last several years, but all they are is information to learn from. I am not my wounds or the feelings that surround them.
Although I am very adaptable there are types of change that don’t come easy to me. I am losing my everyday family which not only includes my partner but her two cats and a dog we have been fostering. I find myself digging my heals in and saying, no, I don’t want to lose them too. Animals bring so much joy to my life. I like taking care of them and showing them love. I enjoy receiving it just as much from them. I will miss all those furries deeply and the relationships I have with each one of them.
Patience. Healing for me is learning to be patient. No escaping the emotional pain with a drink, or some drugs, or for me even the movies. Sometimes I want to run and just escape. Two days ago I was so uncomfortable without even having a pinpointed understanding of why and wanted to leave this trip I’m on and head back. Back to what? No, there is no escaping, there is only going through it so I can come out better on the other side. So I sat in it, the uncomfortableness. By the next day some of it had lifted and I was proud of myself. Reminding myself that I have all the tools, I just need to put them into practice as the need arises.
As I peel off the layers of what no longer works for me I know I’m that much closer to being my best self. That’s not really an end goal per se but an intention to always be moving towards and being. I’m learning every day more and more to listen to my intuition and trust the universe. I’m figuring out the nuances of Let Go, Let God.
From the rainforest of Maui, I’m surrendering. Surrendering to my highest good, surrendering to the resistance of what was or wasn’t, surrendering the need to control while still feeling empowered, and most importantly surrendering to how can I serve each and every day of my life.
It’s time to get out of my own way.
Love and Light to All