Fear – It will creep up when you least expect it. It’s a very useful feeling but one that you have to dive into understand versus heeding to its every whim. Fear crept up on me today and is still lingering about a bit although I’m not giving it to much energy or attention. I didn’t know it was fear at first. What I knew was that I was uncomfortable, agitated, and not wanting to be feeling how I was feeling. On the surface I was calm. In fact, most of my body was completely relaxed. However, there was a deep undercurrent that was buzzing on a frequency of low grade anxiety. Anxiety = Fear
At first it didn’t make any sense. Here I was exploring a town I’ve wanted to for years and thinking about how great it is from what I’ve seen. I could see the potential of living here right next to these gorgeous mountains. At this point my road trip has also turned into me exploring places with the potential of making a home somewhere new. I have a pretty extensive list of needs that most cities in the country can’t meet and well, this town seems to have little issue with the checklist. This is a good thing right? So what’s the problem? Why the fear?
A shift in my Reality. Something elusive and dreamy was emerging into form of real potential. Change is looking and feeling more real. There are streets that I don’t know the names of, restaurants I haven’t eaten at, houses I haven’t walked through, and all the people that surround me are strangers – all of them.
I could feel the resistance bubbling up. I wanted to run back to a relationship and home that are no longer mine. I wanted something to wrap me in safety and switch all those unknowns from being scary to being exciting. For about two hours I felt alone, really alone
I was able to step back and ask myself what were my physical sensations telling me and even though it all felt very real I knew it was also just sub-conscience patterns playing themselves out. I tried to sit in the space of awareness where I was just observing all of this happening. I would fluctuate in and out of the space and observe how easy it was for me to quickly get wrapped up into the drama that was happening, then I would retreat back to just being the observer.
I’ve done a great job at not judging any of it, but just understanding it. I moved from not wanting to feel it to allowing it to just flow through me and out of me. Knowing that fear is not where I want to live from I can make better choices around my thoughts. It’s already happening. There is still an uneasy nerve running through me a bit with all the unknowns but I’m replacing the thoughts that aren’t helping with ones that do.
I forget sometimes that what I’m doing (from a solo cross-country road trip to potentially finding a new place to call home) is courageous. Courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery of it. I am on the right path. I am not alone. I am grateful for the experience today and for all the awareness and gifts I’ve been given to help me through it.