It began during an episode of Super Soul Sunday. Oprah was interviewing Adyashanti, a spiritual teacher and author with a Zen background. As I was watching and listening to the interview, I felt calm and present. I was paying attention and having an awareness of what I was feeling in my body as the hour went along. At one point they talked about they naming of objects and how once we name something, we then think we know what that something is about. For example, a tree, a bird, a rose… once we put a name on it we lose in our perspective the wonder, and mystery of what it is in each moment. We then associate or learn what other people have discovered about that thing further solidifying that ‘we know’ all of what it is. Adyashanti was talking about being open to experience ‘what is’ in each moment without judgement or belief, allowing what is real within this mystery to unfold.
During this part of the episode a dear friend, teacher, past partner, kept popping into my awareness. I could feel her standing to my left side in front of me, pretty close, just standing. This friend and I are currently not speaking. There is space being taken on my end and my assumption is on her end too. We had an interaction that didn’t go well but that interaction to me feels like when people fight over the dishes and it’s not about the dishes. Is the content of the argument important, yes, specifically for me it helps to point to the ways in which I’m reacting and what I am wanting or not wanting. We have known each other for 9 years and had what I refer to as a ‘spiritual bootcamp’ relationship when we dated. So there is history filled with all sorts of emotions, I consider what comes up in our relationship to be the biggest catalysts for change I’ve experienced.
So I’m watching this episode about naming things as well as many other rich tidbits, she keeps popping into my awareness and I have a realization in that moment. That I have to let go of her. I have to let go of all the stories I have in my mind about who she is and what she has done. I have to let go of all the ways I have spoken or kept silent because of the beliefs I’ve ‘held’ onto. I could feel my throat starting to tighten and this overwhelming grief rose in my chest. I just allowed all of it as the tears starting falling and the sobbing began. I said her full name out loud several times repeating that I had to let her go, that I had to let all of what I have ‘named’ and kept alive from the past die. So I’m feeling all of what’s happening in my body and the snot is running at this point, she is still standing in front of me in my awareness quietly, but she is much much closer almost on my skin. I had an awareness of what felt calm and still all along the back of my body. I found myself apologizing through the tears for not being fully present in our interactions and allowing the deeper mystery of our interactions to unfold, without fear, judgement or resistance. I found myself forgiving me for not being present and for not knowing yet experientially, it’s importance.
As all of these things were happening in my awareness I had a profound insight into how we operate day to day based on the stories and patterns we have in our minds. That they become embedded and stuck in relation to the people and the situations they are attached to. They become filters and compartments for which we continue to interact with them in the now or when we go over the situations of the past in our minds. By putting names to beliefs or judgements regarding them/it, we no longer show up unbiased in the moment to give and receive from being present. To being open to the mystery of what’s unfolding. I think “I know” what’s going on, but I don’t because it’s all being seen and heard through my filters.
For a couple of months I have been struggling to try and understand all the wounds that this relationship triggers and brings up that may or may not have anything to do with the two of us. I’ve been looking at the qualities of the emotions I’m feeling to try and mentally understand the puzzle and trace things out to their beginnings. It’s been exhausting and ends up feeling like ego gymnastics.
I feel like this is a break-through. As I was letting the tears fall and the apologizes flow, I recognized that the emotions were changing. I started feeling all the different emotions that I have felt towards her and towards myself in relation to her. They ranged from deep sadness, anger, joy, devotion, shame, inspiration, not being good enough, never feeling right or understood, to ….. the list goes on.
I don’t know if there really is a practice for ‘how to let go’, or if it’s even possible to ‘let go’. But I’m finding that for me what that looks like is allowing and surrounding to what is happening in the moment. I just deeply sank into each of the emotions and allowed them. Every once and awhile I would think of her and feel where she was in my awareness. I would also pay attention to what felt calm and still in or around my body. As I did this, those separate elements started to merge and come together. It felt like the letting go was actually a merging or coming together into a wholeness. What was separate and falsely created was coming together, merging.
It seems I am started to have a new level of insight and realization into what my experience of reality has been. Reality as I’ve known it seems to be strongly correlated by the supposed facts and beliefs that I hold and how they play out in my interactions with people and the world. The experiences and the stories that come of those interactions are created through those beliefs and judgement filters and are further reinforced as I play them over in my mind. So things start to stick. I am x, y, and z and they are a, b, c and that is d, e, and f. So the question I’m feeling into is, what would it be like to experience the world without a set of defined beliefs and judgements.
The letting go in this particular situation doesn’t feel complete yet but it feels close. I will revisit the various elements in meditation and allow them to shift and change on their own accord.
I have a feeling I will also start to be keenly aware of my filters more than usual, giving me the opportunity to see them, feel them, and allow them to come together.